I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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