This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
