he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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