guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
