They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
