Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
