how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
