im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
