i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
