u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
