He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize