Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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