i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
