if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Are we still banned from the library?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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