Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
