Apparently you make a good broom.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
