i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The power of my boobs compel you
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
