is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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