Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize