Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
BRING THE BAGELS
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
