my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
