It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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