I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
