So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
