I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
