I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
