I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize