LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
