either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
