im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
