Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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