Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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