Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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