You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
