I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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