If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
