i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
