A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
