You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
