Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
