I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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