You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
