i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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