dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
