i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
now i know why i became what i already was.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
