yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
