It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
