dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
