i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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