Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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