What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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