I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
