I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
