just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
