Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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