her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
