I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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