if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
