So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
