that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
