Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
