Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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